the way he can make o’s with smoke
the way I secretly wanted him to use his tongue techniques else where.
his hair - every where
his smile
his laugh
his noises
his scent
not the way he slowly faded
not his worries
not his decisions
not his choice
not his thought process
You’ll never know, unless it happens to you.
Unless it has happened to you.
When your significant other betrays the trust of love, it is the hardest thing one has to undertake. It feels like someone has ripped your heart open, took the most sensitive parts of your veins and has re-arranged them to pump tears throughout your body instead.
You start questioning everything.
It was only four months. It took only four months for me to fall in love. If I was not in love, I don’t think it would have hurt so damn much. It was my fault, I trusted too much. Something I pride myself in. I want to see the good in people. I want it to stand out. I want it to be the thing that I judge.
When I found out, my heart sank, there was a large lump in my throat. I thought for sure I was choking on my Khan’s. I started to shiver, I managed to pick up the phone and text a simple yes or no question, and he didn’t answer with either.
A good few months later…
I’m still scared. I’m still so very scared. He thinks I don’t trust him. He wants me to trust him. And I honestly don’t know how to answer him. I don’t know. I don’t know if I trust him. It takes a good amount of time to build up trust and I know for a fact that I have been building it since we’ve remained together. But when there is a mile stone, it is like the test, the jump. He’s back up there and I warned him about my feelings. He understood. But I was too emotionally unstable about everything. I tried hiding it, but it all came out, like a volcano and nothing could stop it.
He says he’s beginning to be frustrated. I just wanna say, “This isn’t about you! It’s about me!”
I GOT HURT. You didn’t. It didn’t happen to you.
and you’ll never ever know how I feel unless it happens to you.
And I don’t want it to happen to him.
I don’t want it to be me that does it to him and God forbid something happens between us, we break up, he finds another girl, and she does it to him.
I don’t wish cheating on my worst enemy.
It rots your brain. It makes you go a little insane. It makes you feel worthless.
It makes you feel like you were not enough and your loved one found that something in someone else.
Thats what it feels like.
You feel unworthy of love.
You feel heartbroken and it’ll never go away.
The thought will always be in the back of your mind.
But you know what?
I’m amazing like that because I have never held him against it in a fight or out of the blue.
I have all of those thoughts hidden in the darkest depths of my heart because they do not need to take over and taint a relationship.
I’m the strong one here. I cover it up. I may seem unstable on the outside with my insecurities but I’m the one that has lived this, and I’m the one that kept you by my side.
You never begged. Like most men usually do. I went after you.
How can you ask me why I can’t fully trust you?
Because human nature can take over, your poor judgment could take over.
Because other men in my life didn’t stop at one.
Sigh
It only gets harder when the sugar is coated and the lips are silent, the mind is screaming, but the mouth is drinking it all away.
Only works for a little while. Then you get home.
I don’t want that for you. But I can only stand here and watch.
I do my best to help.
They say inspiration drives you…
but I get my inspiration from driving alone, at night, and while some soothing music plays. Luckily, Coldplay was on tonight.
I was unsure whether to write about this or just curl up in my bed like the walking tooth hurting zombie I feel like. None the less, I wanted to let my inspiration flow out. I am a girl, and all this talk about emotion could have most likely been summoned by what comes to visit ALL girls once every month. Which gives me a great head start of a week to feel all the hormones go whack.
ANYWAY, >.>
Leaving a friend’s house, I realized I just wanted to curl up on a bed and snuggle with the man I’m in love with. Just us. When we were apart, it seemed some what easy to try and shove things aside. I then realized that shoving it aside was only what was happening. When I wouldn’t think about it, I’d ask myself…”Does this mean I am over him?” then I shut out the question and deal with the rest of life revolving because I wanted to reject that thought. I know I loved him. I didn’t need to ask myself questions.
It was mainly at night when I remembered fully that I loved him. But those feelings I had to set aside too. I rediscovered a different me on those nights. A me that would fight the feelings away. As much as I possibly could. Yet, it couldn’t have been achieved without a dear friend who would lure me in with talk of similar deals and orange groves.
Tonight, I got to do alot more than see him or speak to him. Something I had longed for on those lonely nights; I got to hold him, kiss him, tell him I love him. I looked into his eyes, and saw everything again. I wanted to tear up (damn those girl hormones)…I wanted to tear up because I realized that I love this person. I want him to do great things, to always be happy, to pass life’s evil obstacles and just learn. Learn the better way of things. He’s young, he still has more to understand. But we all still need to learn.
I’m always going to be learning to never lose someone you love.
It’s like a sore, hopeless feeling. One I know all too well. It happens like this for me as it always has. Nearly the same ‘ol shit. I have hope, but from what the past has handed to me, my future doesn’t feel any brighter.
In this state, its dangerous.
It’s hazardous.
Where is my happiness?
It’s only in one place. One that I have to think of as unavailable to me.
And thats the worst part.
It’s only been a week,
so how in the world does it feel like months have passed?
Straightjacket Feeling by All American Rejects
Back me down from backing up
Hold your breath now it’s stacking up
Etched with marks, but I can deal
And you’re the problem and you can’t feel
Try this on, straightjacket feeling
so maybe I won’t be alone
Take back now, my life you’re stealing
Yesterday was hell but
Today I’m fine without you
Runaway this time without you
And all I ever thought you’d be,
That face is staring holes in me again
Trust you is just one defense
Off a list of others, you don’t make sense
Beg me time and time again
to take you back now, but you can’t win
Take back now, my life you’re stealing
Yesterday was hell
Today I’m fine without you
Runaway this time without you
And all I ever thought you’d be
That face is tearing holes in me,
but today I’m fine without you
Runaway this time without you
And all the things you put me through
I’m holding on by letting go of you
And when that memory slips away
There’ll be a better view from here
And only lonesome you remains
and just the thought of you I fear
grip falls away
Yesterday was hell
Today I’m fine without you
Runaway this time without you
And all I ever thought you’d be
That face is tearing holes in me,
but today I’m fine without you
Runaway this time without you
And all the things you put me through
I’m holding on by letting go of you
It’s so hard when
the night falls, and I cannot wish you goodnight.
It makes me fall apart when the sun rises, and I cannot bid you a good morning.
Simple things like that.
i miss you,
goodnight.
